wow. When I'm done with him he's going to have to pop his collar in necessity and not just douchery
I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
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