I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
Randomize
