May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
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