You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
It's seriously like a finger. But it's a cock. I don't know what to do. I feel like I fuck him to be polite.
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Randomize
