Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
I've decided, even as much fun as it sounds, I don't care for his sodomy box.
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
Randomize
