you were calling yourself Ulickes S. Cunt.
Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
