I want to walk on stilts...naked
the condom got lost in my hair
Question: does he have any sense of self image? He looks slightly like he crawled out of the Euphrates after living as a fish for 20 years
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
Randomize
