I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
Lost. The hour! Funtime!!!!
I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
I keep looking at his nude pics and crying because ill never see it in person again.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
that is very illegal...i love you.
Randomize
