The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
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