STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
Randomize