My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
Randomize
