She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Randomize
