I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
Don't make out with my wife yet
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
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