She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
Came so hard when I was riding him that I actually bit some of his chest hair off. He said I was the first girl ever to do THAT.
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
Randomize
