A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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