Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
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