somebody snuck up and got me drunk
i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
