Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
Randomize
