pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
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