I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
Yep, it's a dick on our front door. Intentional?
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
Every concussion has its silver lining
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
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