Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
The cops high fived after they tackled you
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Randomize
