Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
so evidently blowing a guy does not mean he will say hi to you when he sees you in class.. in case you're ever wondering
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
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