He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
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