I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
