He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
It would be one hovered percent delicioui
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
