Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
Randomize
