tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
Randomize
