hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
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