i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Randomize
