i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
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