I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
Randomize
