for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Randomize
