Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
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