Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
just peed in rthe mens room but seranaeded them with adelle the whole timee so they didnt mind
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
Things he has managed to cum on so far on spring break: my bikini, my back-up bikini, three of my four bras, two pairs of panties, four beds, six chairs, the floor of several hotel rooms, the window/door to the balcony from both sides, my tits, my face, my stomach, his stomach, my ass, his best friend's girlfriend's face, and his best friend's dick.
Just FYI spring break is over and you're supposed to be back in class but hey sounds like you had your orgy so congrats.
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
Randomize
