I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
Randomize
