I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Randomize
