mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
Randomize
