We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
Randomize
