Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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