So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Randomize
