I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
Randomize
