I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
Randomize
