Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
It's 3am, i just got back from ht e bars and registered for classes larteeeeee. History of baseball at 8am? at least ill meet the only stragiht gusy at NYU!
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
