You don't have asthma, your pregnant
We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
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