I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
He said i was a degenerate twofaced catholic slut and a grade a bitch. Quite complimentary really. i guess i shouldn't insult the red wings
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
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