Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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