I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
life just isnt the same w/o real world cancun
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
Randomize
