Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
Wow, So this kid just walked into class, yak'd on his lab partner then runs out. Class is now cancelled. I gotta find this kid and Thank him.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
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