A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
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