Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
Randomize
