I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
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