there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
But break dance skills will only take you so far
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
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