so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
Randomize
