Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Randomize
