You can spell. I can kill people with no remorse. We all have our skills.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
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