first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
Randomize