Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
Randomize
