I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
Go for it! You're young. Have fun. Be somebody's expensive hobby like Anastasia Steele.
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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