It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
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